It's better to have an apartment than to be homeless. However, it also means that the social part of being homeless is almost eliminated from my life. As difficult as being homeless is for everyone who does it, it also means having a lot of people around you all the time. When you have a lot of people around you all the time, at least a few of them are people whom you'll get to know and talk to every day.
I think that there are probably a lot of people who are chronically homeless because, even if they get housing for a while, the subsequent isolation of being suddenly taken out of homeless shelters eventually causes them to destabilize. I don't think that would happen to me if I didn't also have the problem of the conglomerate persecuting me and deliberately isolating me from society; threatening me, invading my privacy, making me the object of ridicule and sexual stigma, and also doing those things to anyone whom it observes being nice to me.
I don't tend to have social anxiety. If the conglomerate weren't persecuting me, it would not be emotionally difficult for me to try to create a social life. Because the conglomerate is persecuting me, and because it persecutes everyone who gets to know me, it is difficult for me to know what I could do to get some friends and also start dating, if I felt like dating.
A few nights ago, I heard male voices in the hallway outside my apartment. They were probably tenants or friends of tenants. I cringed, which has never happened to me before. I was never categorically scared of men before; the conglomerate has caused me to have that fear. It's one thing to be around them outside or to to talk about them on the Internet; to hear male voices a few feet away from my door, at night, made me afraid. I'm sure that they weren't doing anything wrong and didn't know that I live in this apartment; it's the conglomerate that has traumatized me.
I woke up last night because I was having a physical anxiety attack.
Copyright L. Kochman, March 15, 2016 @ 10:58 a.m.
