"How are you?"
"I could be worse."
"But you could be better?"
"Couldn't we all? Listen, I have a little problem, I wanted to talk to you about it."
"I think I know what you're going to say."
"Yeah. Did you read what some bitches said about me?"
"You're not talking like this in public, are you?"
"Of course not! Anyway, I'm thinking I should sue."
"I'm not averse to that idea. Do you have the laminated cards on a keyring that I gave you?"
"What else do you think I did this weekend? I did nothing other than to memorize them! Here they are."
"Are these tooth marks?"
"I'm sorry; I had the grandkids at my house for a few days. Parents are in Puerto Rico, Instagramming about helping disaster victims."
"Aren't you a good grandfather, taking care of the kids!"
"Thanks. I didn't really do a lot; the nanny did most of the childcare. She likes to sit by the pool when she and the kids are there."
"I bet she does. Are the kids old enough to swim?"
"No, I told her not to let them in the pool; who needs another horror story? I have them sit in the shade when it's too warm. If I have time, I babysit them until the nanny is done in her cabana and she can take over."
"The nanny has her own cabana at your house?"
"It's not hers specifically; it's for all the nannies."
"A Nanny Cabana."
"They love it. I stock it with brand new bathing suits that whoever she is at the time can change into. Mostly bikinis, separates; that's more thoughtful than one-pieces, you know how women are about how they look in bathing suits, and you never know who's gonna be heavier top or bottom. As soon as they're at the house, I take the kids and I send the nanny to the back, where the pool is-"
"And where the cabana is-"
"I tell her to take all the time that she wants to choose which bathing suit she wants to wear and change into it. Sometimes I ask that she take a shower before she tries on the bathing suits; the cabana has that, too."
"A shower-"
"And a bed! There's a little bed in the cabana for if she needs a nap after a few hours of taking care of the kids."
"That's when you take care of the kids?"
"Well, they're tired by then, so I tell them that it's nap time for everyone and I have them sleep in guest bedrooms in the house."
"Cute. Everybody napping."
"I don't always nap; sometimes I do some work by the pool, where it's quiet."
"While everyone else is napping."
"Then if the nanny needs me for anything, I'm not far."
"And the tooth marks on the cards?"
"Oh yeah. The younger one's teething, and the nanny doesn't speak a lot of English, so she got the kid's book mixed up with the cards you gave me. I wiped them off, though."
"All right. Why don't we start with you telling me some of the phrases from the cards?"
"Sure! 'I deeply regret any pain that might have been inadvertently caused to anyone.'"
"Good. Next?"
" 'My thoughts and prayers are with (name here)'s family-'"
"Wait; which cards did I give you?"
"Those! You have them."
"No; I'm sorry, I think I gave you the Wrongful Death cards the last time that you were here."
"This is not what I pay you for."
"I know. Here are the cards you need."
"I can't believe it. How low can some people sink?"
"I want to make sure I know who we're talking about."
"Those BITCHES! If they were gonna talk about me, what they should have done was praise my honesty and my remorse, not expose me to the world like I'm a common criminal! What kind of world is it when a man's heartfelt apology just isn't enough?"
"The nannies-"
"Huh?"
"Nannies. How many have there been?"
"I dunno; 5 or 6, maybe a few more."
"How old is your oldest grandchild?"
"Started elementary school right before Mom and Dad left to be humanitarian. Where is this going?"
"I won't be hearing from the nannies, will I?"
"What are you saying?"
"Nothing. I represent you."
"You know what young ladies are like; they're as fickle about their jobs as they are about their boyfriends. Who really wants to take care of kids for years at a time? I'm sure that they never heard of you; I told you, they don't speak a lot of English. I don't even know if they know who I am. I'm not here to talk about them."
"Right. You wanna talk about-"
"Those BITCHES who are exploiting me! They stick their pins in me like I'm some voodoo doll, the emblem of all that is male and bad, and the witch doctors jump up and down, and my career is ruined, and their careers are made! When I was young, people had to work for a living! They couldn't just turn everyone around them into a rung!"
"You feel that you're being victimized."
"Yes!"
"Having trouble sleeping?"
"Every night! It's all I think about!"
"Work suffering?"
"I try not to let it affect my business day. There's nothing more crucial than professionalism, particularly when BITCHES are bringing the pressure."
"You feel that you're being exploited."
"Who wouldn't feel exploited? There are some BITCHES who stop at nothing for their careers."
Copyright L. Kochman, October 6, 2017 @ 1:21 p.m.
