I'm not constantly sucking up to people or ripping other people apart to try to get it. I try not to manipulate. I don't even want as much influence as I have; I am motivated by my concern about the world and my need to take care of myself, not because I want to be a big, important person who impresses people. I keep my distance from very powerful people because I don't want to have to worry about being so near all that power.
I'm not GREEDY.
My interactions with celebrities have done nothing except make my life worse. They are the worst liability that I have caused to myself throughout this ordeal of more than 6 years. For anyone to accuse me of trying to date a celebrity is to accuse me of not having the ability to realize what horrible abuse is. Only loneliness, or wanting to know what horrible thing they're doing or planning to do next, gets me to pay attention to them anymore, and sometimes a feeling of responsibility to some of them because I got involved in their lives before.
It's not as if I haven't noticed that I have wasted the last years of my youth hoping that such and such a person will improve. All that did was make the conglomerate ridicule me, and make the people who I hoped would get better think that I deserved the ridicule; they never seemed to realize that they were the reason that I looked stupid, because I tried to take them seriously and to care about them, and they treated me like garbage, every last one of them.
The men would rather do anything than respect me, even hurt themselves physically and call it devotion, and resent me for not thinking it's enough. The women would rather do anything than believe that I would not hurt them or their relationships. I would NEVER want to live like them, in that anti-intellectual, soul-sucking, image-obsessed void.
Copyright L. Kochman, March 23, 2016 @ 10:51 p.m.
