I don't know if you're worrying about how I feel about Robert Pattinson; you don't have to worry about it. What he did is his particular version of what a lot of celebrities have done, which is to do something that permanently changes the way that I think about what kind of person he is.
I'll get over hating him, but I'll never think of him the way that I did before he showed what he's really like, at the end of his twenties, after his years of being twisted by the entertainment industry.
It seemed like, before he got angry with me and decided to increase the ways in which the conglomerate abuses me, he tried to make me think of him as someone whom I could date, when that wasn't what I wanted and I had said that it wasn't. It's so awful to be homeless, and things have been so bad for me for so long, that he set me off balance for a few weeks this past summer. It wasn't that difficult to get over him; what's painful is the betrayal. That's always the worst part.
You have probably heard a lot of things about me, all told to you by people who want to make you think that I deserve what's happening to me. There's nothing in my past that I have anything to apologize for anymore, nothing that anyone has a right to hold over me. Even if that weren't true, there's no excuse to treat someone the way that I'm being treated.
The idea of someone my age making relationship decisions based on pictures and messages from fans at someone's social media is ludicrous; it's ridiculous no matter what someone's age is. I knew that; I just never did care enough, during all of this past year, to demand a higher form of interaction from him, not even sentences. If someone that you're trying to talk to would rather crawl around on the floor than walk around or sit up like an adult, and you feel like knowing whether or not he has the capacity for or interest in moving past his level of behavior, you can spend some time crouched by him. When he bites you, you know it's time to let him continue to be at the level where he'd rather be, without you.
This page is not meant to be insulting to you. I hope that I haven't hurt your feelings too much during all this time; it wasn't what I meant to do.
I'm sure that I'll address pages to him at this or other blogs again; I'm not a threat to your relationship, though. It's been almost funny over these past weeks, seeing you and other women acting like you think that he has continued to have a romantic influence on me and that I'm trying to steal him from you. Actually, it's been difficult not to write every angry, bitter thing that I think about him during the few minutes a day that it occurs to me to think about him. I could probably hurt his career if I wanted to do that; I don't. I just don't know why he thinks he's the victim. He isn't; none of them are. They are atrocious bullies.
Copyright L. Kochman, November 25, 2015 @ 10:07 p.m.
