I have never judged you or how you have addressed your assault.
I don't know if perhaps you feel that I don't take sexual assault seriously, or that somehow I "asked for" or have deserved to be repeatedly victimized by voyeurism and involuntary pornography. You would not be the first person to decide that the false narrative about women who are abused applies to me but not to people whom you like. You also would not be the first person to have noticed how lucrative it can be to bully me. I have no doubt that the conglomerate is gratified to have you as an advocate for women's rights who personally opposes me.
As horrific as the crime that happened to you was, and as painful as its memory continues to be for you, it is in the past. What has happened to me is not in the past; it will never be in the past. I am the victim of a crime that will have more participants violating me every year until humanity is extinct. The evidence of the crime, the videos of me filmed with hidden cameras to which I never consented, is not being treated as evidence of voyeurism; it is being distributed around the world out of context, as if it is evidence of my having done something wrong instead of my being the victim of a sickening and gratuitous crime.
I will be at a much increased risk of being physically, sexually assaulted for the rest of my life. It could be that I will be physically raped in many separate incidents throughout my life; the conglomerate has had no remorse about forcing me to be repeatedly victimized by voyeurism for years, so why wouldn't it continue to tell lies excusing my being repeatedly, physically raped?
That is what I think about every hour of every day. If it doesn't seem to you that that is what I think about, it could be because you have never thought about how you would deal with it if something like this were happening to you. You would not be the first person who has decided to construe my attempts to cope psychologically with having no control over this situation as proof that it's something that doesn't upset me.
There is never a day when suicide is not in my thoughts. Even when I'm not imminently suicidal, my entire perspective about my life has changed. If it is my obligation to live with this burden for the rest of my life, I have no emotional hope that I will have a normal or truly happy life. All I want to do is get through it while being a decent person and doing something that is worthwhile. I don't even know how many times I have hoped to get a terminal illness so that I don't have to follow through on living the rest of my life as a survivor of a sexual assault that will never end, for which not only have the perpetrators taken no responsibility, but for which the perpetrators have encountered no difficulty convincing the world to blame me.
I don't cry all day. The conglomerate already has too much control over my life; when I'm capable of being in a good mood about anything, it's a defeat for the conglomerate. You don't have to think about it that way, but I do.
Copyright L. Kochman, October 14, 2016 @ 11:35 p.m.
